Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
こいつ天才
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.