My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
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Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.