Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.