My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
You Might Also Like
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Steam Forums
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup