It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
You Might Also Like
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Velcrow
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.