[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
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8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
welcome back
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Omg 🤣
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
#gardening
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.