[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Cheer up.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?