Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try