Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
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Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses