Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.