“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Social Media and Real life
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me