I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The struggle is real.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.