If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
🍛
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
no
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?