I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
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Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
According to math, I’m broke
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon