Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
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One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
B
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules