When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
You Might Also Like
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I hope they boil the right one.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style