“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
BRAKING NEWS!!
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.