The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*