My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
You Might Also Like
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Sorry not sorry.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Who did it better?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.