me adding lol on a serious message
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I created you as mosquito food.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
some cats are just doing for fun!
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.