me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
You Might Also Like
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
some cats are just doing for fun!
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
definitely did not do anything wrong
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.