[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My friend is an excellent librarian.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.