Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
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“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?