do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
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Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
*bites zombie*
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”