Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
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Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”