Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
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the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
This is not me but this is me
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”