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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.