[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
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*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
another case of gang violins
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.