I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
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My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.