How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
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Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t