Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.