Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough