I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Home is where your toilet is.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
This is not me but this is me
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Y’all ready for this