Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
that wasn’t the question
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
This is enough internet for the day.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.