me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
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I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.