7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I love wikipedia
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed