*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
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1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.