Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
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*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
File under excellent bookstore names.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My daily affirmation
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.