I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
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PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
beware of dog
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Beware…..
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.