Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
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I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified