Passed by a old school Math example today.
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…