My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Money is the root of all wealth
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone