I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
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Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET