Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace