Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house