“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
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“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
me and who
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.