[at funeral] You really had to see him live
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My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
This checks out
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness