Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
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Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.