[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
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Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
is this how new cars are made??
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.