📽️movie date🎞️
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.